[NOTE: this is a slightly altered version of yesterday's podcast... as it concerns the bawdiness of this month's play, you are forewarned that this blog entry will contain mature subject matter, adult language, and adolescent humor... skip to tomorrow’s entry, if you might be offended...]

As we've done with just about every play, we're going to get down and dirty with this month's comedy, Love's Labor's Lost... We are going to dive deep into the double entendres, single entendres, and just plain sh!t and f#ck jokes.  Soooooo.  How do we do this?  We could categorize the bawdy humor and do sections on penis, vagina, defecation, sex, upskirt, adultery, and masturbation jokes (and yes, ladies and germs, there are jokes for each of those categories... in the words of Bette Davis in All About Eve, "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night"... or in this case, a bumping and grinding night).  Sure, we could do it using that categorizing method, but I think we're better off take the naughty bits in sequence, because -- you know -- smut out of context is just foul language.

But before we begin, I must give props to three books that have been invaluable in my diving into the cesspool of linguistic porn:

• Eric Partridge's book, Shakespeare's Bawdy (Partridge, Eric. Shakespeare's Bawdy. New York: Routledge, 2008)
• Pauline Kiernan's Filthy Shakespeare (Kiernan, Pauline. Filthy Shakespeare. New York: Gotham, 2008)
  
• and of course Oxford English Dictionary (Oxford English Dictionary Second Edition on CD-ROM [v. 4.0])
  

Allrightythen.  Love's Labor's Lost.  A play about study and abstinence, at least for the first 200 lines.  But even with that beginning, there seems to be a sexual energy pent up and ready to explode.  And explode it does, early and often.

In Act One, Scene One, the constable Dull arrives with Costard and the letter from Armado.  Berowne asks what the matter (subject) of the letter is, and Costard responds:

The matter is to me, sir, as concerning Jaquenetta. The manner of it is, I was taken with the manner.
BEROWNE
In what manner?
COSTARD
In manner and form following, sir; all those three: I was seen with her in the manor-house, sitting with her upon the form, and taken following her into the park; which, put together, is "in manner and form following." Now, sir, for the manner, it is the manner of a man to speak to a woman.

-- I.i.197-205

Costard plays with the words "manner," "manor," and "mainour"... and the speech scans something like this:  

The "nature" (manner; OED) of the matter is that I was taken with the "stolen item" (mainour; OED).  

Berowne, that master of words, goes along with the river of meanings: In what method (manner; OED)?  

And then Costard, sensing that he has a kindred spirit with whom to play, unleashes a masterpiece: In the (il)legal way ("manner and form" was used many legal documents, such as wills; OED).  I was seen with her in the manor, or "mansion" (OED)

[and any Freudian tangent you want to go on... go right ahead, I'll wait here, but as I wait, I just want to remind you (or foreshadow, depending on your Shakespeare experience) of Juliet's statement that she has bought "the mansion of love"... which Partridge describes as "the human body as the vehicle of love's physical activities" (Shakespeare's Bawdy, 188), as opposed to "temple" which is more spiritual.. but I digress]

Costard has also been caught sitting with her on the "window-frame" (form; OED... though an additional meaning of "form" is "liveliness" [OED]... and you can see how that might be taken in a bawdy direction), and taken following her into the park (to be "taken with a wench" means to have been caught having sex with her; Shakespeare's Bawdy, 257),

[and any park/bush allusions you'd like to make... like I said, go right ahead]

and Costard continues that when you take all three together, is the "legal way of looking at it" (manner and form again; he knows he's broken the law... of course, "in the mainour" also meant caught "in the act of doing something unlawful, 'in flagrante delicto'" so to speak [OED]).  Now, sir, for "how" (the manner) I was doing it, it was in the manner or method that a man uses to speak to (or interact with) a woman.

[and of course, it would not be out of the question to add to the possible puns here: to "man" her... the verb "man" having many meanings including "to escort," "to furnish with a rider," and "to fill up with men" (OED) or at least sailors... you know, semen  hehheh hehheh]

At the close of this discussion, the King asks Costard if he had heard the proclamation of the celibacy law:

COSTARD
I do confess much of the hearing it but little of the marking of it.
KING
It was proclaimed a year's imprisonment, to be taken with a wench.
COSTARD
I was taken with none, sir: I was taken with a damsel.
KING
Well, it was proclaimed 'damsel.'
COSTARD
This was no damsel, neither, sir; she was a virgin.
KING
It is so varied, too; for it was proclaimed 'virgin.'
COSTARD
If it were, I deny her virginity: I was taken with a maid.
KING
This 'maid' will not serve your turn, sir.
COSTARD
This maid will serve my turn, sir.

-- I.i.271-283

The repeated use of "taken" makes clear that Costard was caught in the act of having sex with Jaquenetta; Costard only tries to use descriptors of Jaquenetta to weasel his way out of the situation.  By the time he uses the term "maid," the King has lost all patience and tells him that the word "maid" won't help him here (serve his turn), but Costard wittily responds, that "oh, yeah, she'll serve my purpose," which of course is sex.

Before we leave Act One, let's take a look at a different kind of bawdy humor: the classic poop joke.  In Act One, Scene Two, Armado is dealing with Costard, and sends him away:

ARMADO
Take away this villain; shut him up.
MOTH
Come, you transgressing slave; away!
COSTARD
Let me not be pent up, sir: I will fast, being loose.
MOTH
No, sir; that were fast and loose: thou shalt to prison.

-- I.ii.146-151

Armado calls for Costard to be imprisoned ("shut up"), but Costard doesn't want to be "pent up," which not only means imprisoned, but constipated, as well.  Costard is willing, however, to fast or starve, since he is currently "being loose" (either free, or having loose bowels).  Moth then responds that would make Costard "fast and loose" (or a cheater in the Elizabethan vernacular [OED]), and thus he will need to go to prison.  By the way, as you'll see, we're not done with excrement humor quite yet.

In Act Two, Scene One, when the King meets the Princess, he explains that he cannot take her to the palace:

KING
Hear me, dear lady; I have sworn an oath.
PRINCESS
Our Lady help my lord! he'll be forsworn.
KING
Not for the world, fair madam, by my will.
PRINCESS
Why, will shall break it; will and nothing else.

-- II.i.97-100

The King will not foreswear or break his oath, he says, "by his will" ("willingly" OED).  The Princess responds by telling him that only "will" can break the oath, that "will" being sexual desire (OED).

[and we're back to sex]

When Berowne meets Rosaline, he uses the oldest pick-up line in the world: "Haven't we met somewhere before?"  ... only his is filled with a double entendre.

BEROWNE
Did not I dance with you in Brabant once?

-- II.i.114

Now, two things are at work here: first, the word "dance" ... the phrase "dance with one's heels" can be found in Much Ado About Nothing to denote the woman tapping her heel against the footboard of the bed to the rhythm of the sex she's having, matching her partner's thrusts (Shakespeare's Bawdy, 115).  OK, even with that, making this line overtly bawdy is still a bit of a stretch.  But let's look at where this dancing took place:  Brabant.  And where, you might ask, is Brabant?  Why, the Low Countries.  Why, yes, the Netherlands.  The regions down below, or "earthly" (OED).  OK, so now the bawdiness doesn't seem like such a stretch, does it?  So Berowne asks, "Hey, didn't we bone once?"

ROSALINE
Did not I dance with you in Brabant once?
BEROWNE
I know you did.
ROSALINE
                How needless was it then
To ask the question!

-- II.i.115-117

So it does appear that they do have a sexual history.

[does this explain Rosaline's cruel mockery of Berowne and her refusal to stop mocking any of the men?  and if so, does this also relate to Rosaline as a representation of the Dark Lady of the Sonnets?]

At this point, Pauline Kiernan, in her book Filthy Shakespeare, takes us on a ride (pun intended) that even I have problems buying.

BEROWNE
                       You must not be so quick.

[Kiernan takes this to mean "you should not quickly turned on"]

ROSALINE
'Tis 'long of you that spur me with such questions.

[This would mean "it's because you keep pricking me with your probings."]

BEROWNE
Your wit's too hot, it speeds too fast, 'twill tire.

[Kiernan interprets this as "your pussy is too hot, you come too quickly, and you and it will be worn out."  Here, I think Kiernan goes off the deep end.]

ROSALINE
Not till it leave the rider in the mire.

-- II.i.117-120

Kiernan takes this to mean: "Not till it leave the one who's mounted me in the shit."  Of course, if Kiernan is willing to go that far, why isn't she willing to take that one extra step to bring in anal sex as well (i.e., "not until you fucked me in the pussy and in the ass as well").  Like I said, I'm not sure I buy everything Kiernan is selling here.  

[but it does make me feel like less of a perv when someone else is willing and able to go even further than my dirty ol' mind]

Allrightythen, back to the King and the Princess.  As they are saying their not-so-tender goodbyes, the Princess says to the King, "Sweet health and fair desires consort your grace" (II.i.177).  Consort not only meant "attend" (which is the nice surface meaning here), but also "to have sex with" (both OED).  In a sense, the princess is telling the King, "Screw you."  His response tells us that the message has been received and returned to sender: "Thy own wish wish I in every place" (II.i.178).  No, dear princess, he seems to say, screw YOU AND in every hole.

Once the men have left, and the women begin to discuss the men, the Princess says that she would have liked to have heard Boyet (one of her attendant lords) battle it out verbally with Berowne.

BOYET
I was as willing to grapple as he was to board.
MARIA
Two hot sheeps, marry.
BOYET
                       And wherefore not ships?
No sheep, sweet lamb, unless we feed on your lips.
MARIA
You sheep, and I pastor: shall that finish the jest?
BOYET
So you grant pasture for me.
MARIA
                            Not so, gentle beast:
My lips are no common, though several they be.
BOYET
Belonging to whom?
MARIA
                   To my fortunes and me.

-- II.i.217-223

Boyet says that he was as willing to have that verbal spar as Berowne was to "board."  Now since "board" has more than just the "get on-board a ship" meaning, and also can refer to "having sex" (Shakespeare's Bawdy, 86), Maria jumps on this meaning and calls for the two sheep.  I suppose this is so that both Boyet and Berowne can screw the horny sheep.  Boyet demurs, claiming the cleaner, naval, meaning; the sheep are only necessary if they take her "saucy talk" instead of his nicer meaning (feeding on her lips).  Maria then relents a little, now calling Boyet the sheep and herself the pastor or shepherd.  She asks if that will finish their spat. Boyet asks if she will be his feeding ground, since he is the sheep and she the pasture (homonym for "pastor") or grazing lands.  Now it's Maria's turn to back away, saying that her lips are not a common area, but private (and depending on which pair of lips she's talking about, they could be VERY private, if you know what I mean... and I think you do... or if you don't, think lower...).  Her use of "several" could mean either "separate" (as distinct from the rest of her), "having their own responsibility" (her speech), or "parted" (all OED).  Hmmmm, parted private lips... If her lips aren't common or shared, Boyet asks, who do they belong to?  She says her lips, either pair, belong just to herself.

In Act Three, Scene One, Moth refers to Armado's love as either a "hobbyhorse," a "colt" or a "hackney" (III.i.27, 28, 29, respectively).  All of which refer to either prostitutes or wanton women (Shakespeare's Bawdy).  When Costard enters, we get a flashback to our poop joke of the first Act: Armado tells Costard that the Spaniard is setting him free, where he had been "immured" and "bound" (III.i.121, 122).  Costard responds that it's true, Armado will be his "purgation" (III.i.123) or enema (OED), and will "let him loose" (III.i.124), and thus, free to poop.  

Later in the scene, when Berowne bemoans his state, it's the little things in his speech that belie his impure love... he talks of "plackets ... (and) codpieces" (III.i.181), the first a slit in a petticoat, symbolizing a vagina; the second, well it's a cod piece, and we're not talking fish here, it's the clothing equivalent of a penis.

[cod, interestingly enough, is actually more a reference to the scrotum than the penis (OED)... ]

Berowne also speaks of "paritors" (III.i.183), who were ecclesiastical or church court officers who uncovered sexual acts or offenses.  And finally, he speaks of the object of his affection, er LUST: "a whitely wanton... one that will do the deed" (III.i.193, 195).  Yep, if the use of the noun wanton wasn't explicit enough, he spells it out by using "do the deed"... in other words, have sex.

Act Four, Scene One.  We can skip that one... nothing to see there... riiiiiiiight..... nothing to see save the most openly salacious sequence I've seen in Shakespeare so far.  Are you ready?  

I thought you were...

OK, the sequence in question (IV.i.118-140) comes right after the hunt.  After some banter back and forth between Boyet and Rosaline about cuckoldry (and her future in it), Maria is astounded

MARIA
You still wrangle with her, Boyet, and she strikes at the brow.

Maria can't believe that Boyet continues to try to argue with Rosaline, when she has talked about his brow (the area where a cuckold's horns grow).  But Boyet responds,

BOYET
But she herself is hit lower: have I hit her now?

"Hit" here has two meanings.  The first is strike, as in hitting the mark in archery, and -- though there's a genitalia reference here (hitting lower) -- it is probably this meaning that Boyet uses.  Rosaline, however, takes it to the other meaning.

ROSALINE
Shall I come upon thee with an old saying, that was a man when King Pepin of France was a little boy, as
touching the hit it?

Here, "hit" is slang for "sex with a woman" (Shakespeare's Bawdy, 154), the "hit it" would be the pussy or vaginal sex (Shakespeare's Bawdy, 155).  The age old reference is that as long as there've been men around, there's been "hitting it" (or possibly fingering it).  Boyet responds in kind:

BOYET
So I may answer thee with one as old, that was a woman when Queen Guinover of Britain was a little wench, as touching the hit it.

Boyet may just be playing tit for tat here, no pun intended, but he might also be saying that since there have been women, they've been fingering themselves.  Rosaline then begins a bawdy song (and dance) of the time:

ROSALINE
Thou canst not hit it, hit it, hit it,
Thou canst not hit it, my good man.
BOYET
An I cannot, cannot, cannot,
An I cannot, another can.

In a sense, Rosaline is saying "you can't touch this" ... or in today's vernacular "you can't tap that."  But Boyet responds, and here you need to remember that "an" means "if": IF I can't touch or tap that, someone else can.

At this point Rosaline leaves, but the double entendres don't end there.

COSTARD
By my troth, most pleasant: how both did fit it!

Costard has enjoyed the banter, and how they have "harmonized" (OED) on their verbal intercourse.  It's a fairly clean line, but not after Maria is done...

MARIA
A mark marvelous well shot, for they both did hit it.

According to Maria, Rosaline's pussy was a target well shot at ("a mark marvelous well shot), because they both did hit it; in a sense, climaxing together, simultaneously--verbally speaking, of course.

BOYET
A mark! O, mark but that mark! A mark, says my lady!
Let the mark have a prick in't, to mete at, if it may be.

A target, Boyet says, check out ("mark") that target.  Let the target have an "arrow" (prick; OED) in it, to measure it.  And that can be seen WAY more bawdily as:  Look at that pussy.  Let the pussy have a cock in it to "measure" (mete; OED) it, to sound its depth as it were.  Also, just for fun, consider that an alternate meaning for mete is "to paint" (OED).  Paint it, white perhaps.

MARIA
Wide o' the bow hand! i' faith, your hand is out.

She's claiming that he's missing to the left (the bow is usually held in the left hand); so Boyet's hand must be out of practice.

[are they shooting arrows at this point, and are Costard and Boyet just riffing dirtily?]

COSTARD
Indeed, a' must shoot nearer, or he'll ne'er hit the clout.

Costard now jumps into the double-entendre-fest, saying Boyet/he ("a'") must get closer to the target or he won't hit the "pin in the center of the target" (clout; OED); of course, to follow the others into the cesspool of bawdy/bodily fluids, Costard also means that he's got to get closer before shooting his wad, otherwise, he'll never hit her vagina with his ejaculate (is this connected to the mete as "paint" reference?).

BOYET
An if my hand be out, then belike your hand is in.

Boyet ignores Costard's comment to go back to Maria's, saying that if his hand is out of practice, then hers is expert.  And if he's talking about manipulation here, then what he's saying is if his hand is not on her pussy, it's because her hand is already there, masturbating herself.

COSTARD
Then will she get the upshoot by cleaving the pin.

Costard gets to his own punch line: she will win the game (get the upshoot) by splitting the arrow in the center of the target ("cleaving the pin"...think of all those Robin Hood movies); of course, the underlying meaning is that she'll win the contest by getting her lover off first (getting the upshot) by squeezing his cock hard in her hand ("cleave" also meant "to grasp" [OED]).

MARIA
Come, come, you talk greasily; your lips grow foul.

For some reason, now Maria finds that this has gone too far, and accuses them of talking dirty.  Could it be that Maria has been oblivious to all the sexual spiel that had come before?

COSTARD
She's too hard for you at pricks, sir: challenge her to bowl.

Costard turns his attention to Boyet, referencing pricks, both in the sense of an informal game of archery and of cocks themselves.  The rustic clown tells the lord that Maria is far better than Boyet at archery, and he should ask her to bowl instead.  The bowls game he speaks of has obstacles (or rubs) that are put in the path of the balls (OED).  So Costard is also saying, she's too difficult to screw, ask her to jerk ("rub") you off instead.

BOYET
I fear too much rubbing. Good night, my good owl.

Boyet's final response is a refusal of mere masturbation ("too much rubbing").  He references the owl, a night bird, one whose name is onomonapaeic for "hole", or in this case the vagina.  Boyet obviously doesn't want the hand, he wants the real thing.

See what I mean about this being one of the dirtiest sections in Shakespeare?  

[wow... after this scene, anything else will seem... well, anti-climatic, so to speak...]

In the next scene (Act Four, Scene Two), we get a bit of unintentional sex humor (at least, I think it's unintentional by the speakers): Nathaniel tells Holofernes that the daughters of his parishioners "profit very greatly under" (IV.ii.74) the schoolmaster, who is a "good member of the commonwealth" (IV.ii.75 ... or is that HAS a good member?).  Holofernes responds by saying, "If the daughters are capable, I will put it to them" (IV.ii.77-78)... of course, I think HE thinks he's talking about "capable of learning" and "giving them knowledge" (as opposed to we pervs in the audience, who hear "capable of having sex" and "giving them the ol’ sausage injection").

In Act Four, Scene Three, when the King's men are teasing Berowne for Rosaline's blackness, Longaville takes off his shoe and says that the black of his shoe is the same as the black of her face.  Berowne responds that if the road was paved with Longaville's eyeballs, her feet are so dainty that she would not squish them.  But Dumaine is horrified:

O, vile! then, as she goes, what upward lies
The street should see as she walked overhead.

-- IV.iii.276-277

If the road were paved with eyes, he says, it would be vile to look up her skirt to see her vagina.

We get a couple more bawdy references in the final scene of Act Five, Scene Two:

Rosaline talks of "do(ing) it still i' th' dark" (V.ii.24); Katherine responds that Rosaline is a "light" (or promiscuous) wench to speak of sex (V.ii.25).

Later, when a disguised Rosaline tells a disguised King that she has changed her mind because she is like the moon, the King responds, "Yet still she is the moon, and I the man" (V.ii.216); he is the man IN the moon.  He thinks he'll have a part of him inside her soon.  When she refuses to dance, he asks her to talk, and when she says, "In private then," he completes her line in an antilabe lustfully, "I am best pleased with that" (V.ii.230).

When Longaville and Katherine talk (V.ii.248-255), she puns on his name:
KATHARINE
Veal, quoth the Dutchman. Is not 'veal' a calf?

Longa VEAL, get it.

LONGAVILLE
A calf, fair lady?
KATHARINE
                          No, a fair lord calf.
LONGAVILLE
Let's part the word.

He says, "Let's get rid of the word calf... or half of it."

KATHARINE
                                    No, I'll not be your half
Take all, and wean it; it may prove an ox.

She responds by saying she won't be his wife (or better half... what's left after the parting or dividing of the word "calf" ... half of calf is "alf"--a homonym for "half") ; instead, she tells him to take all of the word "calf," and raise it to adulthood ("wean it"), it might grow into something strong, like an ox.

LONGAVILLE
Look, how you butt yourself in these sharp mocks!
Will you give horns, chaste lady? do not so.

He says that she insults herself by saying that he'll be an ox because an ox has horns, horns are signs of a cuckold, and that would make her adulterous.

KATHARINE
Then die a calf, before your horns do grow.

Then, she says, he should die before be becomes a man and is inevitably cuckolded (the implication is that all men are cuckolded).

LONGAVILLE
One word in private with you, ere I die.

But he wants some private time with her before he dies.  Remember that in Shakespeare's day "to die" had an alternate meaning of "experiencing an sexual orgasm" (Shakespeare's Bawdy, 118).

Later, during the show of the Worthies, Armado tells the Princess that he adores her "sweet grace's slipper" (V.ii.659).  Boyet responds, "Loves her by the foot,-- " (V.ii.660).  This seems innocent enough.  But remember Boyet's a Frenchman.  "Foot" in English sounds like "foutre" in French.  And what does foutre mean?  "To fuck" (Shakespeare's Bawdy, 138), of course.  Dumaine then says, "He may not by the yard" (V.ii.661). Dumaine may or may not get the French joke, but his mind is in the gutter as well:  "yard" was slang for penis (OED)... in fact, yard was the defacto slang for penis until the mid 1800s when it was supplanted by cock, prick and tool (Shakespeare's Bawdy, 290).

Finally, we get the songs at the end, in which the Spring's "cuckoo" (V.ii.881) soundalike for cuckold) mocking married men (V.ii.882) for being cheated on.

So there we have it... a boatload (or would that be buttload) of bawdy references in the play.  While we can always find SOMEthing dirty in these plays, I am astounded at the depth and relative depravity in this one.  Wonderfully ironic given the opening oath of celibacy and virtuous study.  

It this Shakespeare's way of saying, if you can't actually have sex, you're gonna think about it and most likely talk about it, too?

All I know, is THANK GOD this isn't taught in high school... you'd have parents all in an uproar... and the kids all sneaking the Bard out of the library.

now that I think of it... maybe we should teach this one...